funnyyface

I'm so sick of being huge. It's disgusting. I know it's retarded to sit here writing about it when I could be exercising or something.. But anyway, I need a diet buddy or something. I need to get back on track. I need to be my old self instead of this new unorganized Blobby McBlobbers. It's terrible. I wish I was dead. =[

Today I'm sick with bad cold. Eww. I woke up and I'm giant and fat. I hate myself, my body, and everything about me. At 10:30 I had an appointment with a doctor about my medication. Blah. And then at 11:00 I was forced to go to a fucking therapy appointment. Tres, tres dumb. I find therapy to be useless, especially since I don't  want any fucking help. I had to go out to lunch with my mom, little brother, and grandpa. We went to Sweet Tomatoes. I had a couple handfuls of spinach with 2 cucumber slices and some celery and carrot shavings. That was about 40 calories. Then I came home and my mom made me eat some more. Blechh. I had to have a 45 cal piece of whole-grain bread w/ 1tbs fat-free cream cheese (15 cals) & 3 slices turkey (30 cals). I also had a very small apple (80). I feel so bad for eating anything and I pretty much wish I was I dead. Fuck being fat.

I'm so angry. Why must I be so fat? I used to be skinny. Well, not really "skinny," but a HELL of a lot smaller than I am now. I weighed farrrr less than I do in February of THIS FUCKING year. Then I felt guilty because my parents turned on the water works and got all upset that I was really underweight. So I made the BIGGEST fucking mistake of my life and started a vicious bingeing pattern. I'd eat tons and tons of calories and the worst part is, I couldn't always purge. I took laxatives a lot, but I didn't know that they won't help get rid of food! God damn it. So now I'm trying to lose all this weight and then more and more and more. I don't care about anything except getting skinny. Not kind of skinny. The full monty. I want to starve myself until I die. I want to be in a hospital and die. Or I want to collapse in an episode of overexercise. I'm ugly and deserve to die. Honestly, the only reason I haven't already killed myself is because I refuse to let myself die thin. If I'm going to die, I deserve to suffer. I'll use my eating disorder as a method to commit a slow and painful suicide. I deserve it. And at least when I do die I'll be small and closer to perfection. So here's to life with my best and only friend, Ana. Fuck Mia. Fuck food. Fuck everything but starvation. I can and will be thin. I've done it many times before, and I can do it again.